What is it that sometimes gets people stuck on somebody or something? What is it that some things have, to hold such alluring capacity on so many. Does it have a logical reason? Is it like a recipe? – You take a little bit of this and and whole lot of that and you got yourself a big beautiful fluffy cake bound to have everyone begging for more.

Hardly!

What I’m trying to do here is to excuse myself for being back in my teenage years. So I read this book, and within a week I have all the four books that constitute the saga already read. The next thing I know, I have a picture of Edward and Bella ( aka Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart) ‘embellishing’ my desktop and have marked the trailer for the upcoming movie Twilight in the ‘my favorites’ part on Youtube. How worse can it get? Well, a lot! I actually have enthusiastic conversations with my teenage cousin about everything Twilight-related. I’m this close to actually start hanging posters on the walls of my bedroom. Well, if I usually bought magazines I probably would have done it by now. I’m that shameless. But pimples … you stay away from me!

So what is it these books have that makes me feel the need to exorcise myself and reveal my darkest secrets on some place just about everyone can read them (they won’t but they could; that’s the point)?

So today I sit here trying to analyse this drama of mine so that tomorrow I can go buy the books I’ve already read just to put them on my private collection and be happy about it.

I have read good books and loved them. I do have good taste, most of the times at least. OK, controversial as the idea might be to some people I DO read good books and DO see good movies and DO like them. Isn’t Harry Potter a good book? Just because it is not on the canon doesn’t mean it’s not a piece of art! Right, but The Catcher In The Rye, Atonement, Wuthering Heights are on the canon so I’ve got my defense all built up right there.

Concentrate … the book. What about that first book, Twilight? Come to think about it, it hardly has any real action. Bella, the cliché girl-next-door, moves to her father’s house in the small town of Forks where everyday is a rainy one. She really is a low-profile kind of person and I guess I can relate to that! First day of school, high-school, and she catches the attention of everyone for the simple fact that in such a tiny place a new ‘asset’ is always welcome. On the other hand, her own attention gets caught by the beauty of a family of students who don’t get along with anyone else. They are beautiful, super-intelligent, extremely white, so it’s quite plain they’re the vampires. One of the vampires, Edward Cullen, described by Bella as The perfect man, gets lost in the mystery that she represents (he can read people’s minds but not hers). So the rest of the book is just them getting to know each other and testing the limits of a relationship bound to be tragic. Let’s not forget that being a vampire makes Edward want to kill Bella every single minute he spends with her.

So it all comes down to the endless love between Romeo and Juliet, Catherine and Heathcliff, Jack and Rose, that is, the love between people from different worlds. A killer vampire gets in the way and sets out on a chase for Bella’s blood. But Edward, the knight in shining armor, rescues Bella, his damsel in distress. Ultimately, it is the eternal battle between life and death, between good and evil.

All in all, this book represents fairly well the commonplace in literature.

However, no matter how many times we’ve seen them repeated on movies or the countless times we read them in books, some stories demand to be written. I believe this is one of them. The author, Stephenie Meyer, who had never written before, claims that she had the most beautiful dream one night and being furious for waking up in the middle of it she decided to write it down. She then continued writing the story so spontaneously that it only took her one summer to complete the first book(which is pretty good taking into consideration Meyer has got three small kids and a husband (and probably another job at the time) to take care of).

Of course I can see the flaws. Unlike Harry Potter, the Twilight saga is only 100% coherent up to the second book. J. K. Rolling managed, throughout seven books, to keep her story credible, logical and cohesive. Stephanie Meyer seems to have been caught up by the pressure of writing a sure-to-become bestseller. But the core art of Twilight was there through the whole series.

And then we have those little parts that are so sickeningly cheesy, hokey, slushy, corny, mushy (and everything bad that ends in ‘y’) that it makes you wanna throw up! Romanticism is good, to abuse the reader’s patience is unacceptable. I mean, I guess you can put up with reading I love yous all over a book, but to have them explaining exactly what they mean by that! Some things are better left unsaid! I won’t even mention the most terribly cheesy part of the whole saga, which is in book four, because I’m under the impression everytime I remember it I turn into a light shade of green. I can only say it’s not an Edward/ Bella moment, more like an Edward/ Jacob moment. URGHHH

It is, however, very personal and intimate and that might be the key element. It is a 1^st person narrative, written by Bella’s perspective. It is written in such a way that the reader relates to and connects with the characters in such a deep level that to emerge oneself completely in the story is about the easiest thing on earth. It is a very beautiful and engaging love story. The magic of Stephanie Meyer is to get ordinary words to reach within the reader; from the very first chapter to the very last, you just can’t wait to read what’s going to happen next and how much more infatuated this romance can get.

Melissa Rosenberg, the screenwriter describes the upcoming movie: ‘Twilight is about a romance between a girl and the ultimate unavailable boy, a vampire.’

Stephanie Meyer, the author of the book says: ‘Bella and Edwards relationship was always defined by the fact that he is a vampire and she is not.’ ‘She gets a chance to be a teenager for the first time. Everything is brand new to her and that was fun to write because the first time you do anything, the first time you fall in love, the first time you get your heart broken; that’s the one that sticks with you more than the others.’

Robert Pattinson, the actor playing Edward: ‘They can’t see any real future together but they just remain together because they both provide each other exactly what the other one needs.’

Soooo … I did like reading these books. Actually the right thing to say would be: love them, love everything about them. Even the cheesy parts I guess.

Now for this ‘essay’ I had two options. I could write it on a diary. I’m sure I have one (people used to offer me that kind of stuff when I was younger) but am not sure where to find it. The second option was to write it here. Well, if you got to this part (after actually reading through the whole thing) then let me tell you that you sure can pick what to read out of all the junk on the web! Or maybe not!

How To Be …

Twilight …

Há uns tempos tive o enorme prazer de ouvir esta música (cortesia do meu ídolo como é óbvio) e hoje encontrei-a de novo nos caminhos incertos da web. É uma cover (e se há música que merece ter uma cover é esta) de uma música brazuca (daí ser Orkut e não Hi5, mas também ficava bem “eu vou-te deletar e excluir do meu hifive!!!”). Aqui está, é puro arroz de cabidela pros meus ouvidos … Façam o favor de acompanhar a letra que … está muito bem … escrita.

Convém referir (porque não quero manchar a reputação de ninguem) que este vídeo foi brilhantemente feito por uns gajos quaisquer que não conheço de lado nenhum. O cantor, de seu nome Élvio Santiago, ainda não tem vídeoclip para esta brilhante música.

sei que os anos vao passando e cada vez te amo mais
e dedicando sempre um amor sem fim
nos momentos de paixão e de felicidade
e eu sempre acreditei que o teu amor era verdade
tu sempre juras-te a mim eterno amor
e um dia casarias comigo e serias feliz
mas tu mentis-te e vi que estava errado
um dia vi tu saires com o ex namorado

refrão:
eu vou-te deletar te excluir do meu orkut
eu vou-te bloquear no msn
nao me mandes mais scrapts nem e-mails power-point
me exclui tambem
e adiciona ele
(bis)

… porque ele o concebe como ninguém. Vamos recapitular: 1º Jimmy Kimmel vive a sua vida para gozar Matt Damon. 2º Sarah Silverman, namorada de Jimmy,  escreve uma musica acompanhada de um video arrebatador em que grita ao mundo que está a f#$%r o Matt Damon. E agora, o que faz Jimmy Kimmel? Será que escreve uma música com o título: I’m fucking Angelina Jolie??? Não, o que fez foi simplesmente o video mais bem frequentado dos ultimos tempos.

Ao que parece Sarah Silverman foi ao programa do namorado, Jimmy Kimmel, para tornar realidade o pior dos pesadelos masculinos… uma declaração de “encornação” para quem quiser ver.

Tudo começou assim:

Sem dúvida uma piadola de mau gosto engraçada. Mais engraçado só mesmo se alguém se vestisse à Maddie no Carnaval e fosse desfilar pra um café de betinhos em Gaia.

Love her or hate her, no place place for indifference when it comes to Céline Dion. I can understand how some people just might puke if they hear one more over the top high note from Céline, and I am most willing to accept that some people don’t even think she’s got that good a voice. But you gotta give her that … she’s some crazy bitch. If I didn’t know any better I would probably think she’s on crack. This is a video made by someone whom I wouldn’t say hate her, but he’s definitely not that much of a fan.

Yeah, fucking amazing. If there were any doubts …

Oh, and she can sing … even if she’s drinking.

And here she goes again …

E a jóia da coroa! She MUST have been drinking here. “I’m not thinking with my head, I’m talking with my heart … take a kayak you morons!” Do I hear kids being raped at night? Cause if it was broad daylight there wouldn’t be a problem. “Big guns, what’s that!” Indeed.

But don’t get me wrong, I love Celine.

 

 

To be a translator, believe me it’s sad,

To be a translator, you have to be mad-

Who else would sit in a room

Encased in loneliness more like a tomb?

 

Who else would fondle a microphone cable

Or typewriter keyboard when perfectly able

To fondle some better more pliant device?

(It happens to others, they say it’s quite nice.)

 

Who else would apply so much love, care, devotion

To something that is another man’s notion?

Who else would spend hours to seek out one word

Just to ensure he writes nothing absurd?

 

Who else would read carefully through some epistle

Produced by a half-wit who had better whistle

Than write rotten copy that doesn’t mean much,

Yet expects a translation in, say, perfect Dutch?

 

Who else would accept that every job’s hot

When he knows that it’s probably not

And flog himself silly to see the work through

Then wait for three months not collecting one sou?

 

Who else would put up at social occasions

With statements like: “Oh, you do translations.-

There’s not much to that, after all it’s your lingo,

So where are the problems, why labour that thing so?”

 

Who else would be willing each day of the year

To sit exam where the pass-mark’s a mere

One hundred percent or perhaps just below?

If you think that’s easy, why not have a go?

 

And yet it’s a challenge which on reflection

Provides enormous job satisfaction.

Those who enjoy it will never desert

The odd fascination of the “foreign” word

-Wort, oh what the hell…

 

 

J.H. Hayes

Desta vez não presenciei a piadola mas tive conhecimento através de meios ilicitos e decidi publicar, já que preenche o requesito de ser da autoria de um dos individuos de quem já falei. Espero não ter de me chatear com direitos de autor mas como tenho conhecimentos na área judicial não me preocupo muito (a culpa é do sistema). Bem, os nomes continuam a ser fictícios ok!?

Alguem (não sei mesmo quem………….mas gostava de saber) faz a seguinte interjeição / interrogação: Tu que és dos computadores (…) explica-me lá como é que funcionam aqueles frigoríficos que tiram cafés?

Nuno responde: Lá dentro tem um vietnamita anão todo encolhido e quando tu carregas no botão o gajo começa a moer o café.”

Os computados E os frigoríficos fascinam-me.

É o que eu chamo às piadas de certas e determinadas pessoas (as quais não posso para já determinar). Existem vários tipos de humor: humor estúpido, humor só para gente inteligente, humor só para gente culta, humor para gente inteligente e culta ao mesmo tempo, humor aprendido (o das anedotas por ex.), o humor do gato fedorento, e depois existe o humor de dois nobres indivíduos, pai e filho (deve ser hereditário ou então pega-se por ex. quando se partilha um copo ou uma sanita). Depois de muitas ameaças cá vai a listinha de piadas que para já são ainda poucas. Considere-se este post um work in progress. Tenham muito cuidado com o que dizem quando eu estou por perto. Os nomes dos humoristas serão fictícios; Casimiro, um homem respeitado pela sociedade das tecnologias de informação e comunicação, e Nuno, um “orfão de feitío” nas palavras do próprio.

1.

Diálogo entre pai e filha depois duma breve passagem pela loja dos bolos onde se depararam com um belo bolo com a cara da nossa queriduxa e sempre muito “cunfusa” Floribella:

Casimiro – Acho que também vou comprar um bolo com a cara da Floribella no teu aniversário só para te envergonhar!

Catarina – Não me ias envergonhar. Se eu gosto da Floribella qual é o mal em ter um bolo com a cara dela!

Casimiro – Poça!!! (interjeição característica do individuo) Eu também gosto de sexo e não vou querer um bolo com uma pila!

2.

Estão todos à mesa a comer um daqueles cozidos que leva carnes de todos os tipos e feitios.

Diana – Não há mão-de-vaca?

Casimiro – Mão de vaca não tenho, mas se quiseres tenho pé-de-atleta!

3.

Mila – Deve-se comer muitos tomates porque fazem bem ao coração.

Casimiro – Então as mulheres casadas não devem ter problemas cardíacos!

(conclusão: se não quiserem ter enfartes como se não houvesse amanhã, é melhor casarem)